loneliness take 2

i've written a blog post on loneliness before (check it out here) but it's been a few months since then so i thought i would touch on the subject again.

i found a quote recently on the topic of loneliness that i absolutely love. i think it's because it was able to put into words how i've been feeling. Plus it's a relief to know that i'm not the only one who has explored this aspect of loneliness.

"Loneliness isn't about other people, it's an inner condition. Solitude trains us in being present with ourselves and God so that we actually show up in real relationships with other people." - Bill Dogterom

An "inner condition" is an amazingly abstract way of describing loneliness. Usually when people think of loneliness they think of it in regards of not being around other people or not being able to connect with other people. i think that both of these definitions can be true of loneliness, but i don't think that they do a good enough job of describing the different facets of the word. i think that God can use loneliness to challenge us in being present with ourselves and with Him, as Bill describes in his quote. i think that loneliness - as with many things - can be intended for evil but used for good by God.

If you're feeling lonely, i challenge you to not take the feeling sitting down. i challenge you to use it to push you to "show up in real relationships." To use the feeling to dive deeper into solidifying thoughts about faith and God's heart for His world.

why singleness isn't a curse

If you have grown up in the church, then you have probably heard Jeremiah 29:11, the verse that talks about God’s plans for you to have a good and prosperous future, about a million times. If you haven’t been around the church for a long time, i wouldn’t be surprised if you had seen this verse plastered all over graduation cards or heard a Christian you know quote this when someone is faced with a tough situation. i think this verse is a beautiful one, but I also think that it is overused. It’s a classic human scenario: we focus on a few words in the Bible that we can use in a multitude of situations. We look at the most encouraging verses and forget about some parts that may not be as nice and encouraging.

In the verses leading up to Jeremiah 29:11, God is laying out His plans for the people that He has exiled. Instead of just plunking them down in an evil city and leaving them to think about what they have done for the next 70 years, God actually has a plan for His people. He tells them in verses four to seven to settle into Babylon and live their lives; to build houses and work the land; to have kids and grow their families. Did you get that? He tells them to settle in and continue to live their lives. Even though this isn’t where they thought they would be God still wanted the Israelites to continue on and trust Him. He tells them what He wants them to do while they’re in exile, and then verse 10-11 come into play: “This is what the LORD says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (NIV).

So what do i think this has to do with the “gift of singleness?” i think that we need to remember that even when we feel like we are in exile – or if we’re being a little less dramatic, even when we feel like we should be in a relationship – God has a good plan for us. i love the way John Mark Comer puts his thoughts on the “gift of singleness” into words in his book Loveology: “Do you have the calling and ability from God to live single in order to serve God in a great capacity? Make sure you get that last part. For followers of Jesus, the point of singleness isn’t freedom from responsibility. It’s freedom for more responsibility. Paul thinks it’s great if you stay single. At the end of the chapter he says he think it’s “better” than marriage… to Paul, the point of singleness is to serve God in ways you can’t if you’re married.”

That last part is the part that always catches me a little off balance and makes me rethink this whole “gift” thing. Make sure you really digest what he’s trying to say. “The point of singleness is to serve God in ways you can’t if you’re married.” Just like God had a plan for his people in exile, He has a plan for us single ladies (and men) and it’s a plan that is one that can only be fulfilled in this context – the context of singleness.

Do you wonder “if God can do anything, why can’t He give me the husband i’ve been praying for for all these years? Heck, i’m not even looking to get married right now, but a relationship would be nice!” or something along those lines? i think that it’s a little inkling of doubt that Satan loves to use on us single ladies. i mean, i obviously need a husband to be happy, and God wants me happy, so why hasn’t He given me a husband? Put that way it seems shallow, but i think that if we are all honest, those doubts have crept into our minds from time to time.

What John Mark is trying to say, and what Paul writes about in his letter to the Corinthians, is that we have a purpose that we can only complete when we are single. We may not ever know what that purpose is, just like the Israelites were probably confused at why God had brought them all the way into exile in Babylon just to tell them to build houses and have kids, but if we are truly committed to trusting God, then we need to trust that He has a purpose for this “gift.” Yes, God could just give us what we want, namely a relationship/husband/puppy/whatever, with the snap of His fingers, but being the omniscient God that He is, He can see every step that we take and knows exactly the ones that we should take. To quote the great C.S. Lewis once again, “I am sure that God keeps no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for him to wait.”

Instead of seeing singleness as a wall, we need to see it as a door. A door that we can open if we want to, that will lead to opportunities that we can’t even imagine. Singleness doesn’t limit us, it expands our horizons. You might be single for four months, for four years or until the day you die, so why not take every day as it comes and do your best with the time that God has given you here. Our lack of relationship status doesn’t give us an excuse to slack off when it comes to following His Word, so don’t ever use it as an excuse. Use it as an encouragement to step out in faith and do things that you thought you would be brave enough to do.

lonely, not alone

When i read the title of this blog post ("Still Lonely, Not Alone) i knew i had found a better way of describing my current situation. Though i am not in the same position as Andrew (the author of that post) i have been learning about loneliness these past few months. Back in December loneliness seemed like such a negative word, but i knew that God was (and still definitely is) working on my heart, so it didn't seem like such a bad thing. i have amazing friends and an amazing family so to say that i was lonely felt like i was putting my relationships with them down. But i've been learning that sometimes you need to take a step back and learn to be lonely in order to learn that you aren't alone.

i'm reaching what i know is the end of a chapter in my life. For the past ten million years (ok, i'm definitely exaggerating but that's what it feels like) i've had classes to go to and extracurricular to conquer. i've had friends down the road or down the hall which meant that if i needed a hug/laugh/cry i didn't have to go very far. Most of the time, the chapters of my life have seemed to come to a silent close, so it has been interesting having this end looming ahead of me. Don't get me wrong, it will be amazingly nice not to have assignments and papers and debates to write, but i know that the community that i have been a part of for the last few years, and even for the last few decades, won't be the same as i step forward into life "beyond." As i guess i should have expected, these past few months (and i'm sure the next few) leading up to this chapter closing have been ones full of reflection and learning outside of the books.

If i wrote down everything i've been learning and reflecting on, we would be here forever (this time it's probably not an exaggeration), so i just want to touch on this idea of "still lonely, not alone."

i've learned that it's ok to feel lonely. Loneliness doesn't mean that you are any less or that your relationships are any less. In fact, i think that it means your relationships are more. What i have been challenged with is why i've been feeling lonely. i've been realizing that i've been preparing myself for a loss that hasn't happened yet. i've been backing away from people that i know i will lose once this chapter ends. In essence, i've been bubble wrapping my heart in preparation for the good byes i know are coming and i don't want to face yet. And this scares me. To know that you are pulling away so that the end doesn't hurt so bad is definitely a scary place to be. And a few weeks ago, when i figured out what i was doing, i didn't know where to go next.

i know now that it's not fair to pull back. This sounds painfully obvious, but sometimes i have to remind myself that i can't see the future (oh how much easier would it be if we could). This weekend i realized that the best option isn't pulling back, but rather investing. Instead of digging myself out, i should be digging myself into these relationships if i don't want the goodbyes to come.

So yes i am lonely, but i don't need to be. God's got my back and He's been easing me through this time of reflection with a very gentle and patient hand. i am constantly amazed by His thoughtfulness and His love towards me. When my heart hurts because i am lonely, He knows and He is hurting right there with me. When my heart hearts because i am lonely, He is right behind me to stop me from pulling back, gently pushing me deeper instead of shallower. i am not alone. And, thank God, i never will be. But it's ok to feel lonely sometimes. God uses the lonely times - they are times that allow us to deeply reflect on who we are, what we believe and why we believe it.

Use this time of loneliness as a springboard. It's ok to sit on the edge for a bit and ponder, as long as you eventually trust that the board is going to hold, that your training has gotten you to this place and that you can do it, because you've got a great Coach (ok, sorry to get a little cheesy).

i recently read this quote on instagram and i have a feeling it will be one that keeps coming back up in my life. It's challenging, thought-provoking and a perfect reminder that we are called to something more (and i think it's from her amazing book Jesus Feminist - which, although i haven't read yet, i would highly recommend because of what i've heard).

"I want to be outside with the misfits, with the rebels, the dreamers, second-chance givers, the radical grace lavishers, the ones with arms wide open, the courageously vulnerable, and among even - or maybe especially - the ones rejected as not worthy enough or right enough." 
- Sarah Bessey  

one uping

lately i've been busy, tired and and a bit stressed out. i've also noticed that lately i've had the tendency to think that i am the most busy, the most tired and the most stressed out. i live around a fantastic community of people, but i've been noticing that this time of year has caused us all to be a bit on edge and i've been caught up in more "my tiredness is more than your tiredness" battles than i would care to admit. How silly is that?

While thinking this through i was reminded of a quote that i've heard attributed to both Theodore and Eleanor Roosevelt... either way, i love it! "Comparison is the thief of joy."

Yes, i may be busy. Yes, i may be tired. And yes, i may be a bit more on the stressed out side of life than i would like to be. But that doesn't give me license to forget the battle that others are going through. i think we all need to remember sometimes that just like we have days that suck and so do others. We all live such unique lives that to compare our struggles and battles isn't fair, and worst of all it detracts from those relationships that we need most during the times when we're busy/tired/stressed/fill-in-the-blank-here.

Instead of comparing our struggles and trying to one-up one another, my challenge to you and to myself is that we seek instead to be encouraging and to seek joy through these times. At the end of the day, arguing about who has it worse isn't going to make us better but an encouraging word here or there just might do the trick!