lonely, not alone

When i read the title of this blog post ("Still Lonely, Not Alone) i knew i had found a better way of describing my current situation. Though i am not in the same position as Andrew (the author of that post) i have been learning about loneliness these past few months. Back in December loneliness seemed like such a negative word, but i knew that God was (and still definitely is) working on my heart, so it didn't seem like such a bad thing. i have amazing friends and an amazing family so to say that i was lonely felt like i was putting my relationships with them down. But i've been learning that sometimes you need to take a step back and learn to be lonely in order to learn that you aren't alone.

i'm reaching what i know is the end of a chapter in my life. For the past ten million years (ok, i'm definitely exaggerating but that's what it feels like) i've had classes to go to and extracurricular to conquer. i've had friends down the road or down the hall which meant that if i needed a hug/laugh/cry i didn't have to go very far. Most of the time, the chapters of my life have seemed to come to a silent close, so it has been interesting having this end looming ahead of me. Don't get me wrong, it will be amazingly nice not to have assignments and papers and debates to write, but i know that the community that i have been a part of for the last few years, and even for the last few decades, won't be the same as i step forward into life "beyond." As i guess i should have expected, these past few months (and i'm sure the next few) leading up to this chapter closing have been ones full of reflection and learning outside of the books.

If i wrote down everything i've been learning and reflecting on, we would be here forever (this time it's probably not an exaggeration), so i just want to touch on this idea of "still lonely, not alone."

i've learned that it's ok to feel lonely. Loneliness doesn't mean that you are any less or that your relationships are any less. In fact, i think that it means your relationships are more. What i have been challenged with is why i've been feeling lonely. i've been realizing that i've been preparing myself for a loss that hasn't happened yet. i've been backing away from people that i know i will lose once this chapter ends. In essence, i've been bubble wrapping my heart in preparation for the good byes i know are coming and i don't want to face yet. And this scares me. To know that you are pulling away so that the end doesn't hurt so bad is definitely a scary place to be. And a few weeks ago, when i figured out what i was doing, i didn't know where to go next.

i know now that it's not fair to pull back. This sounds painfully obvious, but sometimes i have to remind myself that i can't see the future (oh how much easier would it be if we could). This weekend i realized that the best option isn't pulling back, but rather investing. Instead of digging myself out, i should be digging myself into these relationships if i don't want the goodbyes to come.

So yes i am lonely, but i don't need to be. God's got my back and He's been easing me through this time of reflection with a very gentle and patient hand. i am constantly amazed by His thoughtfulness and His love towards me. When my heart hurts because i am lonely, He knows and He is hurting right there with me. When my heart hearts because i am lonely, He is right behind me to stop me from pulling back, gently pushing me deeper instead of shallower. i am not alone. And, thank God, i never will be. But it's ok to feel lonely sometimes. God uses the lonely times - they are times that allow us to deeply reflect on who we are, what we believe and why we believe it.

Use this time of loneliness as a springboard. It's ok to sit on the edge for a bit and ponder, as long as you eventually trust that the board is going to hold, that your training has gotten you to this place and that you can do it, because you've got a great Coach (ok, sorry to get a little cheesy).

i recently read this quote on instagram and i have a feeling it will be one that keeps coming back up in my life. It's challenging, thought-provoking and a perfect reminder that we are called to something more (and i think it's from her amazing book Jesus Feminist - which, although i haven't read yet, i would highly recommend because of what i've heard).

"I want to be outside with the misfits, with the rebels, the dreamers, second-chance givers, the radical grace lavishers, the ones with arms wide open, the courageously vulnerable, and among even - or maybe especially - the ones rejected as not worthy enough or right enough." 
- Sarah Bessey