wrestling with contentment

Lately i've been feeling a mixture between contentment and wariness. Last night as i was trying to put this into words as i chatted with my roommate, i realized that the uneasiness i was feeling was from the fact that i was finally grasping the idea of contentment that i've been searching so long for. Just a disclaimer for the following, i'm writing this not to say that i've finally reached the final destination in the land of contentment, but to encourage those who are searching for it.

i've been single my whole life, and i live in an area where single, fantastic, Godly guys are everywhere i look (yes, this place is real! ha) so it's easy to get discouraged. For the past few years i have been striving to find contentment in my love life (or lack thereof) and to find joy in the friendships that i've been able to have with the guys in my life. i have been striving to see guys as opportunities for friendship rather than seeing them as potential husbands. As i write this it sounds petty and simple, but it's easy to get caught up in that mentality without even realizing it i think.

i've read article after article on finding contentment as a single woman in the Church. i've probably read, criticized and shared the majority, and for the past few years i have been using the encouragement i've found in them to apply to my life, in hopes that one day i might finally come to a place of contentment. The saying "fake it till you make it" became my mentality in this area, and i truly believe that it is the way to go. You can fake contentment a lot easier than simply finding it.

i wrestled daily with contentment and most of the time lost.

But last night, as i was attempting to describe my current feelings (yay for patient roommates), i realized that i am finally more on the "make it" side of things than the "fake it." And praise the Lord for that!

i'm not saying that i'm perfectly there and that i won't continue wrestling with this contentment - i think that the Devil likes to play on my mind a lot, in this area especially, so i intend to stay vigilant and focused on God - but i am hoping that i can encourage you that contentment is out there. It's a process. It's a long process and it's not a final destination. But it happens. One day you will wake up and realize that after all this time, you have found what you were looking for and it's opened a door to continue on the journey in a slightly different direction. It took me over three years - and probably half of that was spent running the opposite way - and the wrestling was real, but i think that's why i feel wary. i've been wrestling with this idea for so long that it seems impossible that i've finally made it remotely close to my goal.

i guess what i'm saying is don't give up hope. Continue to dig in, continue to wrestle, continue to trust that God is working on your heart.

Every day i try to walk through the day amazed that we have a God that is so loving of His children that He is invested in the details of their lives. God walks beside us everyday, molding us more into His image. How amazing is that!? So trust that He will work in your heart and trust that He has a great love for you as you walk each step of this journey. He will meet you where you are and take you further.

"Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act." 
- Psalm 37:3-5 


"And then her heart changed, or at least she understood it; and the winter passed, and the sun shone upon her." 
- J.R.R. Tolkien (The Return of the King)